Sunday, October 20, 2013

Keep Buggering On

Keep Buggering On   --Winston Churchill
I'm sorry.  I'm blogging about breast cancer again.  It's my new life.  I'm sorry if you are tired of reading about it, (that is, if anyone out there even reads this blog).  I don't blog about it to be a "Debbie Downer".  It is a great journaling outlet for me, and some day my kids may care about what I record in my journal.  It also helps me keep everything straight.  My new chemo brain doesn't always remember things.  I hope my brain will be back to normal after chemo.  Because I do did have a great memory.  Also, a lot of times I can't quite say what I am trying to say.  It's like I know what I want to say, I just can't get it to come out., I mean Bummer.
I had my 3rd round of chemo on October 10th.  It was like a nice round house kick to the face.  It put me out of commission for a good 10 days this time.  I spent the majority of those 10-bed-sore-days in bed.  Good grief!  There are usually lots of tears shed during those days.  This time it was no different. 
My mom took me to chemo this round.  It's nice to have her there when John can't be there.  John was out of town for a few days, starting the day before chemo.  Luckily, he was only gone a few days and my mom took good care of me.  The day of chemo, my mom took me to lunch.  We went to Sizzler (one of her favorite places).  We got up to the counter and the young kid took my mom's order.  He then looked at me and said, "What can I get for you SIR?"  Hello punch in the face.  My mom looked at him and said, "She is a ma'am not a sir."  I then whipped off my hat and said, "I don't have any hair."  Not sure why I did that.  I think it was my polite way of flipping him the bird.  I knew it would happen one of these days, just wasn't quite ready for it.  It has added to my "I feel so ugly lately" phase.  It is hard to feel pretty and feminine when you are bald, chubby, and being pumped full of crap.  I feel like my looks have changed a lot and it is not a fun feeling.  I don't like feeling self conscious.  I just have to say to myself, "Well, it is what it is, so get over it Nancy."  (Nancy is what Frank Barone would call Raymond on "Everybody Loves Raymond" when he was acting like a baby.) 

I was recently asked by a sweet friend---What has been the worst thing I have had to go through or deal with, with the cancer?  There is absolutely NO WAY to pick one.  It all just plain sucks.  I told her that I could start at the top of my head and go to the tips of my toes with something wrong.  Let me give a few examples-- No hair (just lovely), my mind doesn't always think clearly, sometimes my vision is blurry, ear infections, loss of nose hairs, currently losing eyebrows and eyelashes, mouth sores, thrush, sore throat, my boobs still look a little mangled with scars, loss of appetite, nausea, left armpit still completely numb, leg soreness like you would not believe, achy body, and neuropathy in fingers and feet.  To top it all off, I have regular sleepless nights, and absolutely NO energy. I go from chair to chair after doing small tasks.  Somebody call the waaaambulance!  But seriously, I could go on and on.  I DO have on my XL-big-girl-panties and I have them pulled up, and am dealing with all of this.  I just wish I had a guarantee that this would all be a memory one day.  I hope that there will not be any of these symptoms that decide to set up residency in it's double wide trailer.  I simply refuse to let that happen.
Last Friday, I received a text from friend offering me 2 tickets to a concert for that night.  I was excited to go, as I had not been out of the house for over a week and had been rather weepy that day.  Cabin fever and not feeling well were over taking me.  I called my sister Pauline and we went to the concert meeting some awesome friends, Sara and Jill, there.  Thank you for saving me Sara!  It was just what the doctor ordered!  We listened to Scott Shepard and Mindy Gledhill and they were accompanied with an orchestra.  It was so good and so fun.  It just so happened to be a breast cancer awareness night.  My friend Amy, who also has breast cancer, spoke briefly about breast cancer and importance of screenings.  During the concert, they called Amy and I up on the stage and gave us each a bouquet of roses.  Amy told me just before the concert that they were going to have us come up.  It was a sweet surprise and a fun night!


Shannon Ricks said...

What a great experience at the concert! You are an inspiration to so many!

Jill Sorhus said...

Reading your blog made me cry. I know we never got together a whole lot in Indiana beings I lived down the street and our husbands were in different dental school years, but I always considered you a good friend. I always wished we could have gotten closer. I've always loved your sense of humor also.
It breaks my heart that you are going through all of this. I'm so glad you have so many family and great friends to love you and support you through it all. I would be crying on my Waaaaambulance for sure if I had to go through all of that. Know that you have lots of love and support from far away also. God Bless you Heidi and please keep up your Blog. It is healing for others as well as yourself!

joanna said...

Hi ~
We met a few times many years ago at Ricks. (I'm Dave - and Monica's - cousin - you may remember my mom Sandy better). I just wanted to tell you how inspiring you are. I have been so impressed with your courage and sense of humour during such a horrible trial. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.