Thursday, January 30, 2014

Stupid Satan

I have been feeling frustrated and discouraged lately.  I'm not sure why.  I am done with my chemotherapy treatments and am in my 3rd week of radiation.  I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I think Satan just has a way of making you feel hopeless, beaten, and defeated sometimes.  He's such an idiot.

I had to go back to my OBGYN because the ol' monthly visitor returned.  I had a period for 40 days straight and took 10 days off and started again.  That dang chemo wreaked havoc!  We discussed a hysterectomy, but instead opted to first start me on Tamoxifen (my 10 year pill).  The Tamoxifen is working and is supposed to put you in a "medically induced menopause". 

Radiation is going well, except my armpits are starting to burn....like crazy.  My chest is red like a mild sunburn, and it is tender and TIGHT, TIGHT, TIGHT.  Radiation makes your skin tight and your breast more firm (now who doesn't want that?)  I'm nervous about doing this for 4 more weeks.  What will my poor skin feel like then?  Possibly fried.  I see my doctor once a week so he can keep tabs on how things are going.  My dad had to sleep in a chair at the end of his radiation.  It hurt him to sleep flat, so he reclined in a chair.  I wish he was around so I could talk to him about it.  Radiation also makes you want to sit in a chair and not get up for the entire day.  I am exhausted.  Anytime I feel a burst of energy I take full advantage and get something done.  I hate feeling like a lazy bum. 

My radiation is done 5 days a week (Monday through Friday).  It goes like this...

I drive 15 minutes to the cancer center.  Go in and put on a lovely "shirt" gown that opens up in the front, and head to the radiation room.  I lie down and they get me lined up just right.  (They had to give me 5 little tattoos to ensure that it is always right so they are not hitting major organs etc.)  I throw my arms above my head and usually three people getting me positioned just right.  One of them is a guy.  So, I'm thinking, "Hi, you get to see my boobs everyday".  Good thing I'm way past the awkwardness of people seeing my boobs.  When you have breast cancer, every doctor appointment, consultation, whatever...you are whipping your boobs out.  Good heck! 

My hair is really starting to come in.  At first it was TOTALLY white and soft like a little chick.  Now, it is starting to show signs of darker hair.  My eyebrows are crazy looking right now.  Most of the old eyebrows are gone.  I probably have about 10 long eyebrows on each side and lots of little new eyebrows coming in.  It's a hot mess.  I lost all but about 3 or 4 eyelashes.  New eyelashes are coming in.  Right now they are very blonde and pointing down.  What is that all about?!

The night before I started radiation, I was in bed thinking about how I didn't want to start radiation.  I was dreading it.  I was thinking about ways to make it a positive 45 days instead of negative.  The thought came into my head that I should read The Book of Mormon in 45 days.  I figured out that I would have to read 12 pages a day.  I am well underway and will probably end up finishing the book before I'm done with radiation.  It's been a good experience.  It just seems like things flow and are easier to understand when you read more than one chapter at a time. Take that, stupid Satan!

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