Sunday, September 28, 2014

Finally arrived

Tomorrow I am heading for Utah.  The time for surgery has finally arrived.  I have never been so excited to have a surgery done.  Sounds kind of weird.  But, I have been miserable since April.  Monday is the pre-op and the next day, surgery.

This will be my 5th surgery (in my lifetime) where I've had to be put out with anesthesia.  I always seem to have a little twinge of panic a couple days before the surgery.  I am a baby.  A chicken.  I hate needles, blood, hospitals and mostly anything medical.  I can't watch a surgery on T.V.  I hate to even see pictures in a medical book.  I get light headed and nauseous.  My mom used to have to hunt for me as a child, when it was time to go get immunized or if I had an appointment with the dentist.  I would crawl into a closet in the house and sit quietly.  (Good thing I had such a patient mom.  If my kids did this, I'd probably want to kick their backside).

With one of my surgeries, I was still semi-awake as they wheeled me into the operating room.  The anesthesia hadn't quite kicked in.  I remember watching the ceiling tiles as I was being whisked down the hallway.  As we rounded the corner and into the room I recall seeing the big lights on the ceiling used for surgery, and I wanted to scream. 

Last July, when I was heading into surgery for breast cancer, I was SO nervous.  I spoke with the anesthesiologist to ask beg him to help me be asleep before entering the operating room.  I was out cold ten steps into the hallway.  What a relief.  The strange thing is...this time I am welcoming the surgery.  I'm hoping all my symptoms will go away after it is done.  My fear of needles and hospitals is still there, but I have become a little more brave as I have had to deal with LOTS of needles the past year.  When you are going through chemotherapy, you have a weekly needle in your arm if you don't have a port.  I did not have a port.

The surgery on Tuesday is supposed to take a couple of hours.  After that, I will spend a lot of time trying to wake up from the anesthesia...barf.  I hate that feeling.  Once I am fully wake and have passed off the checklist of things I need to do (pee on my own and such), they will release me from the hospital.  It is a day surgery.  Then John and I will jump into the car and drive the 3 hours home.  It would be nice to head back to the hotel and just sleep and relax, but I hate to have John miss a lot of days of work.  I am hoping that with my seat back and a few drugs, I will just sleep most of the way home.

I am fasting and praying today that the surgery goes well, and that the doctor will be guided.  I am grateful to my loving Heavenly Father, that He is watching over me and helping me to feel at peace.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


20 days until surgery, and let's face it, I'm so completely past miserable.  Every day drags on and seems to be a repeat of the day before.  Pain, pressure, burning, repeat.  It hurts so much to stand and walk very long.  I've become a fat-pro-couch-sitter.  I'm so frustrated that doctors do not warn people of the mesh used in bladder repairs.  Why do they even still use it?  Oh, to go back and NOT have had that procedure done!  I'm also fairly certain that my last surgery caused my uterine prolapse. 

I was recently talking to my sister Pauline.  She is expecting a baby and will be delivering soon.  I told her she was lucky to give birth to a cute little baby.  I am about to give birth to my uterus.  Gross.  I think I will name it.  Riley thinks it should be named Billy because that is her nickname for me.  I am kind of partial to Bertha.  I'm trying to keep some kind of sense of humor.  I've tied a knot at the end of my rope and have been holding on like crazy.  But, I'm about ready to tie that rope into a noose and hang myself.  Okay, maybe that is a bit dramatic.  There are days that I literally can feel that I am gritting my teeth.

During my research on removing mesh, I've learned that oftentimes it requires several surgeries to get the mesh out.  It is a very difficult surgery and is not always successful.  I feel plagued with worry.  I'm not sure I will ever feel normal again.  I know that worrying does absolutely nothing toward fixing the situation, but it is just human nature.  Plus, I'm just SO DONE.

My brother-in-law and his family say that when you are going through a terrible on-going situation, it's like eating a sh@# sandwich.  (Hey, they are the ones that came up with it, not me.)  Well, I have been savoring and sucking on that sandwich for over a year now.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time.  Barf.

I'm just so done with health issues, it's not even funny.  Pray for me.  I'm not even joking.

Friday, September 5, 2014

New School Year

A new school year is upon us.  This year I have a Senior and am not sure how to navigate through that one.  ACT/SAT tests and applying for scholarships and colleges...yikes!  This past summer we toured a couple of colleges, which was fun.  The thought of sending her out the door to fend for herself is very frightening.  I think I better take advantage of this year and make sure she knows how to cook more than toast and cold cereal.  She's getting close to having a smack of adult reality to the side of her head.  KA-POW!

I sure am blessed with good kids.