Sunday, September 13, 2015

After cancer

I recently bumped into a lady that started her cancer treatments a few months after me.  I asked her how she was feeling and she got big tears in her eyes and started to cry.  She told me that she has been struggling with full blown panic attacks.  She can't get past the "what if" thoughts. 

Another friend recently sent me this text--
"I had to go get an ultrasound on my leg to make sure I didn't have a clot (the tamoxifen increases chances) and it's the anniversary of my diagnosis this week and when I got there, I couldn't stop crying!  Serious PTSD!  Everything was fine, I don't have a clot, but I did not expect to be so emotional!  Did you have a happy week on your anniversary or was it hard?  I've been unusually emotional for several days.  I'm wondering what the heck?!"

Two years ago yesterday was the day that we shaved my head.  I really don't try to dwell on the past, but I think when you go through something so traumatic, you just can't seem to shake the thoughts, fear, and anxiety that come with it.  Every time you feel sick, or something is out of the norm, it almost puts you in a tail spin.  I think the only way to understand it, is to go through it.

There IS one thing I miss going through that experience.  It's hard to explain and hard to describe. When I was so incredibly sick, I could feel the help of many from beyond the veil.  It was a very real feeling having them here, and very noticeable that they may be off helping someone else now.

I keep reminding myself of all the good things I learned from this trial.  It has taught me to focus on what is important, and ignore what is not.

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