Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Countdown to Chemo

I always start to feel a twinge of panic as it grows closer to the next round of chemo.  I feel like I need to get all the laundry done, the house cleaned, and grocery shopping done.  The only problem is, I am completely out of energy.  Sometimes I feel like my arms are painted on.  I want to move them, but I am just too tired.  My arms are just decorations hanging from my shoulders.

I almost feel like I have a "nesting" instinct (like you feel when you are about to have a baby).  I know that I will be spending the next 10 days or more in my pajamas, pumped full of medicine.  Speaking of medicine, after having 3 rounds of chemo, I am starting to know what days I will need more medicine and what days I am starting to feel a little better.  I have been taking Oxycodone to help with the achy pain.  Sometimes I take half of the pill and other times the whole pill.  The last round of chemo I was taking the whole pill for about 2 days.  I remember laying in bed feeling extremely "happy".  I remember saying to myself, "I am so happy!"  I just felt like I was on cloud 9 and I didn't have a care in the world.  It was ALL medicine.  I was high as a kite.  Don't get me wrong it was nice to feel happy during such a down time, but that is a little scary.  My mom is worried that I am going to get hooked on my medicine.  I tell her not to worry because I can't stand the way it makes me feel (except for the one day that I was feeling very happy--tee hee).

Thursday is my 4th round of chemo.  I will officially be on the downward slope to finishing.  Sometimes I get nervous even saying that---don't want to jinx myself.  A friend of mine thought she was done with chemo (she has had cancer reoccur several times), and her recent scan showed more signs of cancer.  She is right back at it.  I'm not even sure how many rounds of chemo she has done.  What a brave fighter!  After my 6th round, I will jump right into radiation.  6 long weeks of driving across town in the snow and on slick roads.  I'm already hating it and it hasn't even started.  After radiation I take a pill for 10 years.

My left armpit has been completely numb for the last 3 1/2 months since the surgery (when they removed 18 lymph nodes).  It just now feels like it is starting to "wake up" a little bit.  It is very tender to the touch.  I also haven't been able to completely straighten my left arm out all the way without feeling pain.  I don't know if it is scar tissue, or a tendon pulling.  Either way, I need to start working on it.  I had a friend (who is an occupational therapist) show me things to do to work on it.

We recently had a Halloween party at my mom's house.  I wasn't feeling very great, but went anyway.  All the adults and kids dressed up for the party.  I didn't have a lot of energy to put into a costume.  I decided to go dressed as my dad.  My dad was a handsome man, and I just didn't quite pull it off.  I found his mission badge and slapped on some church clothes.  It's painful to look at the pictures from the party, but I am determined to keep some kind of a sense of humor through this piece of crap cancer.

I was recently reading through a letter my dad sent his kids before he died.  In it he said,
 "As I have pondered the atonement, I have learned that the Savior suffered emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I had never thought much about the emotional side till I went through the procedure and found that not only was my hair lost, my weight drastically changed, but my identity was not the same.  I had people pass me in stores that didn't recognize me.  This caused me to go through periods of emotional struggles and I pondered the Savior's life and those closest to Him rejecting Him and turning from Him." 
He then went on to talk more in depth about the atonement.  I am learning about and appreciating the atonement in a totally different way then I ever have before.

I too have not been recognized by many people.  People pass me by in the store all the time and don't even recognize me.  I recently saw a lady that I lived by for 20 years.  I went up to her and said hello and gave her a hug.  She didn't have a clue who I was...her face gave it all away.  I have kind of quit saying hello to people when I see them, unless they say hello first, and know who I am.  It's a little discouraging. 
Just SOME of the darling grandkids---(there are 62 total with 2 on the way!)
All my sisters except Lisa.  They are the greatest!

1 comment:

Noelle and Corey said...

I think your costume is great! Haha!! Such a great family. Tell Charise hello for me!