This post is completely jumbled thoughts that have been running through my mind....
It is amazing how fast this last week went, and yet it still feels like a bad dream. I'm having a hard time with the fact that my dad is gone. I can't believe that I may be on the earth longer without my dad then I was on the earth with him.
I went to the temple by myself on Saturday and couldn't believe how choked up I got at the end of the session. I sat in the temple for a long time and just had time to think.
My mind has been so consumed lately with different thoughts. Before my dad passed away, I was constantly worried about him and also about my mom. It seemed like I was dropping the ball when it came to my schedule and tasks that I should be completing. My mind was full of worry. I was jumpy ever time the phone rang late at night. Could this be the dreaded phone call?
And now my mind is full of sadness. I lye in bed at night and my mind will not shut down. I worry about my mom, I worry about my siblings, and the funny thing is---the worrying is not changing, fixing, or helping anyone. (And it sure is making me tired). A tired mama is a grouchy mama. You know how the old saying goes, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
This morning I was thinking about all the things my dad worked for all his life. He worked hard to be able to enjoy the "niceties" in life. Beautiful house, beautiful yard, nice cars, I guess just all their "stuff" that it is still here and he is gone. I have always known that you don't get to take anything with you. I get that fact. But, when you lose someone close to you, it sure does make you stop and think about things and what the point is....why we are here!
I was reading over a talk that President Monson gave a few years ago. In it he says,
....How fragile life, how certain death. We do not know when we will be required to leave this mortal existence. And so I ask, “What are we doing with today?” If we live only for tomorrow, we’ll have a lot of empty yesterdays today. Have we been guilty of declaring, “I've been thinking about making some course corrections in my life. I plan to take the first step—tomorrow”? With such thinking, tomorrow is forever. Such tomorrows rarely come unless we do something about them today.
I learned even more about my dad and his character while talking to different people this past week. His honesty, his integrity, his loyalty. He was a man of great faith, he loved a challenge, he completed EVERY task with 150% gusto. I have asked myself, why can't I be more like that? In my eyes, my dad was always on the right course. He didn't need to make any "course corrections".
I guess all I can say is that I AM making some "course corrections" because I want to be just like him.