Limping to the finish line

Ten. more. days. until school is out for the 2013-2014 year.  I feel like we are limping to the finish line, maybe even more like crawling with one broken arm and two broken legs.

At night we can't get kids to go to bed, and when they finally do, we can't get them out in the morning.

If I have to make one more sack lunch I'm going to scream.  To say nothing about the fact that these poor kids have eaten the same meat and cheese, or PBJ, day in and day out.  I have thought about just putting random things in their sacks just to keep it entertaining...for example--taco seasoning packets, small tube of tooth paste, you get the picture.

Just this week as I was walking out the door to drive Haley to school, she opened her backpack and pulled out homework.  Completely not done.  Not even started.  Good thing she is in 3rd grade.  She completed the page on the way to school.

This school year will go down in the books.  I'm quite certain we will not forget it.  We kicked off the year with me still trying to heal from breast cancer surgery in July.  I was still feeling very thrashed.  Then after a couple of terrible allergic reactions to chemo on two different occasions (the end of August), I finally completed my first round of chemo in September.  By the middle of September I was losing hair, and finally shaved it off Sept. 12th.  I spent a good portion of the school year sick, in bed, out of energy, quarantined in my house to stay away from "sickies".  It was hard to take care of myself, let alone 4 kids, a house, a husband, meals, laundry, etc., but we did it!  We are now on the other side of it and I am SO GRATEFUL.

I hope to make this a fun summer for my kids.  Maybe we can make up for all the fun things we couldn't do last summer.

Blessed Art Thou Mother

It's been 4 weeks since surgery.  I have a couple more weeks until I will be given the green light to return to normal activity.  Normal activity for me...vacuuming, laundry, lifting heavy things (like hauling bags of water softener salt down stairs), etc.  Yesterday morning (looking at the floor in my living room and kitchen), I was like--FORGET IT!  I busted out the vacuum and gingerly went to work.  Let's face it, I've been doing the laundry too.  Moms just can't take a 6-8 week vacation from housework.

On Mother's Day my mom pulled out a poem for some of us to read.  We were laughing so hard that we had tears rolling.  You will get it, if you are a mother...

BLESSED ART THOU MOTHER

Blessed art thou woman,
For thou shalt be called Mother.
Yea, and thy chores and thy tasks
Shall follow thee all the days
Of thy life.

And thou shalt eat the bread
Of thine own baking and
Thou shalt dwell forever in a
Dirty house if thou doest not choose
To clean it thyself.

Thou shalt arise before the cock
Croweth and thou shalt say unto
Thine self, “Where are the offspring
Which were given me? Yea, and the sun
Has risen high in the sky and the
Hour is getting late; wherefore, I
Have been long at my labors.”

And thou shalt go and find thy
Offspring prostrate on their cot.
And thou shalt say unto them, “Haste,
Arise and shine, for I have many labors for thee
To perform, wherefore, I have
Been many hours already preparing the way.”

And thine offspring shall linger in sleep
And shall say unto thee, “Thou didst
Not watch the late, late, late show
As I did last night and mine eyes are
Heavy and mine bones acheth.”

And thou shalt say unto thy offspring,
“Get thee up from thy cot
Ere I lay hand upon thee
And go ye hither and scrub a
Sparkling tub, for thou has left black rings upon
Its sides.”

And thy offspring shall say unto thee,
“I will go and do thy bidding, ….in a minute.”
And thy rage shall know no end
And thou shalt weep and wail
And gnash thy teeth mightily.

Nevertheless; thou shalt scrub
A sparkling tub thyself and glory
Shall be added unto thee, for thou didst
Not strike the lazy beast.

Thou art blessed above all others
And thy descendants shall call thee
Blessed, for thou prepares a table before them.
Thou cookest meat and all manner of
Tasty vittles, and they shall sit at the
Table with thee and partake with thee.

And they shall add glory to thy crown
For they shall let thee also wash the
Dishes, if thou wilt.
And when the night falleth, thou shalt be pooped.
And thy offspring shall say of thee,
“She is an old woman wherefore
She neither goes dancing, nor does she
Watch the late, late, late show.”

Thy art and thy craft shall make thee
Called on and thou shalt labor at
Many tasks in the kingdom for whosoever
Asketh, thou do his bidding.

Thy back shall acheth with arthritis
Thy cane and thy husband
Shall be thy support.
Thy veins shall be varicose
In thy aching legs but thou shalt
Do thy labor with a smile, neither
Shalt thou gripe for in the day
That thou doest, thy name shall be mud.

Nevertheless, thou art blessed for
Thou art crowned with the angels
On the second Sunday of May on each
And every year.

Wherefore thou shalt be blessed above
All others for thou art Mother
And thou shalt find peace and joy in
Thy offspring forever and ever,
If thou endureth to the end!

--Author unknown

Slow going

It's been 10 days today since surgery.  I am still not feeling super great.  I was told that it could take several weeks before I start to feel better.  My surgery was Monday of last week.  On Thursday (last week) I called my doctor's office because I felt like I had a UTI.  I went in and they put my on another antibiotic.  (I was already on an antibiotic for the surgery)  On Saturday, I was just not feeling good.  Major UTI symptoms and I was leaking a lot of urine.  Just what everyone wants.  (Sorry, too much information).

I made the decision to call the doctors office and talk to whoever was on-call.  The doctor that answered was not the one that did my surgery.  I started explaining to him what was going on and all my symptoms.  It was like I was just talking to myself.  When I would pause, I would hear nothing.  No sounds of "okay", "yes", no questions, nothing.  He finally said, "I don't understand what the emergency is."  I told him that it wasn't exactly an emergency, but that I wanted to know if it was fairly normal, or if I needed to be doing something about it, or be seen.

When I hung up the phone I was fuming mad.  If you looked closely, I'm sure you would have seen steam coming out of my ears.  The doctor was absolutely no help and just gave me a lame, brush off answer.  I was so mad, and after a minute I called him RIGHT BACK.  I basically gave him a piece of my mind.  I told him that it may not be a big deal to HIM, but to ME it was a big deal.  I said, "Do you think I am just sitting at home with nothing to do, so I decided to call you?"  I let him have it for several minutes.  I did not hold back.  He then started apologizing and answered my questions and offered to go to the office and meet me.  I didn't end up going in.  I felt like he needed to know that he should be a little more helpful and kind when a patient calls in with questions.  It's not like I was wanting him to prescribe me drugs or was asking anything hard of him.

At the end of the phone call I apologized and explained to the doctor that I have been going through breast cancer treatments and that it's been a rough year.  But, I didn't completely let him off the hook.

Another Surgery

Yesterday morning I went to the hospital for another surgery.  Reason being, I was put on the drug Tamoxifen after I finished my chemotherapy and radiation.

• Tamoxifen is an antagonist of the estrogen receptor in breast tissue
• Some breast cancer cells require estrogen to grow
• Tamoxifen is currently used for the treatment of both early and advanced ER+ (estrogen receptor positive) breast cancer (I tested ER+)
• Tamoxifen can hurt fertilized eggs (embryos) so don't take it if you are already pregnant. If you think you have become pregnant, stop taking Tamoxifen and contact your doctor right away. In lab studies on pregnant animals, Tamoxifen has caused birth defects, miscarriage, and prevented fertilized eggs from attaching to the wall of the uterus.

Last time I met with my oncologist he encouraged me to have a permanent procedure done so that I would not get pregnant while on Tamoxifen.  We had a discussion on whether or not I was even considering having more children.  I have always wanted to have another baby or maybe even two.  I have not had any success in that department since I had my last child (who just recently turned 9).  I am also now 42, and will be taking Tamoxifen for 10 years.  I came to the conclusion that it was time to be done, and decided that I better do something about it, before I accidentally got pregnant. 

I decided to have surgery and get 3 different procedures done while under anesthesia.  I had a lubal ligation, ablation, and also a bladder repair.  (Chemotherapy kind of messed me up, hence the ablation and bladder repair.)

I got to the hospital at 10:00 am, and was very nervous.  I feel like I am still trying to regain strength and energy from the chemo and radiation.  I was also nervous because I hate surgery.  I hate waking up from anesthesia.  I wasn't sure how hard this surgery would be on me.  I am still recovering from the breast cancer surgery which took place 9 months ago.  It was SUCH a painful surgery.

The surgery started about 12:00 and took about an hour and a half.  After surgery, I spent time in recovery, and was able to go home later that afternoon.  It was nice to be able to go home to recover and rest.

My stomach has 2 small incisions that are tender and I have stomach cramps, but other then that, I am feeling pretty good.  I am just tired and taking it easy.  This surgery seems SOOOO easy after what I have been through (breast cancer surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation).

I was told to take it easy for 6-8 weeks and not do any heavy lifting, vacuuming, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, etc.  It is going to be tough to not do those things.  I guess my kids are going to learn some things pretty quick around here.  I have a feeling that this place is going to get quiet messy.  Oh joy!

On the mend

Last week I went to my follow up appointment with my radiologist.  As we talked--he told me that he normally doesn't need to see a patient again after their follow up appointment, but because my skin is still very much in the healing process, he would like to see me again in 6 months.  (You can see a picture of the burn in the previous post).  I still have many scabs and some healing to do.  He once again voiced that he was surprised how quickly I started to burn in the treatment process.

It's been 34 days since I finished my radiation treatments.  I am starting to feel more energy, but still not yet totally full of energy.  My surgery was 260 days ago, and my last round of chemotherapy was 111 days ago.  I still cannot believe that I made it though it all and am now on the other side of it.  What a year of craziness!

There are times that I feel a little depressed and frustrated, because I now have "a new normal".  (I try not to let it get the best of me).  My new normal includes a numb left upper arm and armpit, poor circulation in my left arm, and lymphedema issues.  Not to mention a pill that I have to take for the next 10 years that causes some serious aches and pains.  I'm dealing with the crazy hair growing in and such, it's just hard to be okay with the things that will never go away in this lifetime.  Having said that, I'm HAPPY to be alive and well!

I have learned so much going through this trial.  I have learned things that I could not have possibly learned any other way.  I have fasted and prayed more earnestly and have felt closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before.  So I guess I can say, this trial has been a blessing.

All done!

I have been wanting to update my blog recently, and just can't seem to get the job done.  Part of the problem is that I've been feeling a little thrashed physically.

14 days ago, I finished my last radiation treatment.  I am still recovering from the radiation treatments.  My skin is feeling less burned on the surface, but the tissue (and everything underneath) feels like it's been traumatized.  I think it is just going to take some time.

I made John take a picture of my left armpit before my last treatment.  My skin was so very fried that I couldn't wear a bra for 2 weeks.  The burn went from one armpit to the other...all the way across my chest.  I guess no one can accuse them of not being thorough.  I'm pretty sure the radiation killed any and all cancer that was not killed off by chemotherapy.

The doctor (and some of the radiation team) said that some people receive radiation treatments with a little discomfort.  Not me.  I've hit a home run on everything from the moment I was told I had breast cancer. It seems like most things that weren't supposed to happen...did.

My grandpa, dad, and aunt all died from cancer.  I also thought that I had a pretty good understanding of how hard it is to deal with cancer, until I had to go through it.  There is just no way to explain/describe it.  It's rough.

I have been taking the drug Tamoxifen  for the last 48 days.  I have to take this pill everyday for the next 10 years.  My body, especially my neck, and has been very sore (kind of like I slept on it wrong).  One of the side affects of the drug is aches.  I hope that it will be better or subside.  I was feeling a little frustrated about it the other night and decided to make a list of the side affects of chemo/radiation.  It makes aches seem a little less bothersome.  The list of problems from chemo and radiation looked a little like this...

• Neuropathy in fingers and feet
• Nausea
• Things didn't taste good
• Thrush (took forever to heal)  Medicine tasted SO gross.
• So many pills- always sleepy/groggy
• Steroids - felt like injected with bees
• Chemotherapy 
• Chemotherapy- allergies to first 2 chemo drugs
• Benadryl
• Heart burn
• Unrecognized by many- made me sad
• Pale
• Weekly blood draw
• Weak
• Extremely Tired
• Out of energy
• No hair, eyelashes, eyebrows 
• Achy
• Neulasta shot made my bones ache
• Constipation 
• Mouth sores
• Allergic reaction to Amoxicillin 
• Very sore joints
• Lost a toe nail
• Sore head when hair falling out
• Lymphedema 
• Sore lymph nodes
• Breast surgery
• Weight gain
• Major burns from radiation 
• Bleeding for 40 days
• Tamoxifen makes me ache
• Emotional 
• Mental
• Physical 
• Financial 

I am officially DONE with treatments (aside from a daily pill).  I am THRILLED and hope to start feeling more energy very soon!

It's the final countdown...

I had a different radiation treatment today.  They usually do a treatment on each breast (in two different spots), but now that I am down to the final 5, they are just focusing on the spot where they removed the cancerous lump.  It is such a relief to know that my armpits are done getting fried, and also, most of my chest.  The final 5 treatments will be focused in a very specific spot and they are going to get it good.  I'm pretty sure that spot is going to get the 1-2 punch.

My energy level is down, down, down and I am super tired.  In spite of that fact, I am THRILLED to be almost done.  4 more baby! (and then of course a 2 week after burn).

My goal of finishing The Book of Mormon in 45 days is almost complete.  In case you are confused--
here is an explanation from an earlier post...

The night before I started radiation, I was in bed thinking about how I didn't want to start radiation.  I was dreading it.  I was thinking about ways to make it a positive 45 days instead of negative.  The thought came into my head that I should read The Book of Mormon in 45 days.  I figured out that I would have to read 12 pages a day.  I well underway and will probably end up finishing the book before I'm done with radiation.  It's been a good experience.  It just seems like things flow and are easier to understand when you read more than one chapter at a time.

I'm happy to say that in 6 more days, I will have it done.  It's been a great experience.

Armpit Flames

5 more radiation treatments.  5 more pain inflicting, fire and brimstone, tormenting treatments.  Okay, that may be a little harsh, but the ol' armpits and "ladies" are scorched to a dark, dark, dark brownish-blackish-red.  So very lovely.  You will just have to take my word for it.  It's so fun to go in Monday through Friday to be burnt.

I rarely wear the "over the shoulder boulder holder" because it rubs in all the wrong areas.  I mostly stay home or wear a coat.  If I can't wear a coat (like if I'm going to church) I put the brazier on, and deal with it.  Ouch.

I am told that it will continue to burn for a couple weeks after radiation is complete.  Super.  The last treatment will be on February 27th, and it can't come soon enough.

Stupid Satan

I have been feeling frustrated and discouraged lately.  I'm not sure why.  I am done with my chemotherapy treatments and am in my 3rd week of radiation.  I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I think Satan just has a way of making you feel hopeless, beaten, and defeated sometimes.  He's such an idiot.

I had to go back to my OBGYN because the ol' monthly visitor returned.  I had a period for 40 days straight and took 10 days off and started again.  That dang chemo wreaked havoc!  We discussed a hysterectomy, but instead opted to first start me on Tamoxifen (my 10 year pill).  The Tamoxifen is working and is supposed to put you in a "medically induced menopause". 

Radiation is going well, except my armpits are starting to burn....like crazy.  My chest is red like a mild sunburn, and it is tender and TIGHT, TIGHT, TIGHT.  Radiation makes your skin tight and your breast more firm (now who doesn't want that?)  I'm nervous about doing this for 4 more weeks.  What will my poor skin feel like then?  Possibly fried.  I see my doctor once a week so he can keep tabs on how things are going.  My dad had to sleep in a chair at the end of his radiation.  It hurt him to sleep flat, so he reclined in a chair.  I wish he was around so I could talk to him about it.  Radiation also makes you want to sit in a chair and not get up for the entire day.  I am exhausted.  Anytime I feel a burst of energy I take full advantage and get something done.  I hate feeling like a lazy bum. 

My radiation is done 5 days a week (Monday through Friday).  It goes like this...

I drive 15 minutes to the cancer center.  Go in and put on a lovely "shirt" gown that opens up in the front, and head to the radiation room.  I lie down and they get me lined up just right.  (They had to give me 5 little tattoos to ensure that it is always right so they are not hitting major organs etc.)  I throw my arms above my head and usually three people getting me positioned just right.  One of them is a guy.  So, I'm thinking, "Hi, you get to see my boobs everyday".  Good thing I'm way past the awkwardness of people seeing my boobs.  When you have breast cancer, every doctor appointment, consultation, whatever...you are whipping your boobs out.  Good heck! 

My hair is really starting to come in.  At first it was TOTALLY white and soft like a little chick.  Now, it is starting to show signs of darker hair.  My eyebrows are crazy looking right now.  Most of the old eyebrows are gone.  I probably have about 10 long eyebrows on each side and lots of little new eyebrows coming in.  It's a hot mess.  I lost all but about 3 or 4 eyelashes.  New eyelashes are coming in.  Right now they are very blonde and pointing down.  What is that all about?!

The night before I started radiation, I was in bed thinking about how I didn't want to start radiation.  I was dreading it.  I was thinking about ways to make it a positive 45 days instead of negative.  The thought came into my head that I should read The Book of Mormon in 45 days.  I figured out that I would have to read 12 pages a day.  I am well underway and will probably end up finishing the book before I'm done with radiation.  It's been a good experience.  It just seems like things flow and are easier to understand when you read more than one chapter at a time. Take that, stupid Satan!

Exhausted

I have one more day of radiation this week to be able to say that I have completed one week of radiation.  I'm exhausted.  Completely exhausted.  Towards the end of the day, I don't even want to move.

I'm proud of my body and the fight it is putting up.  It's hard on a body to have everything killed off.  Then it has to work hard to build it all back up.  Our bodies are completely amazing.

I was reading about fatigue in cancer patients last night.  I just have to plan on being tired and out of energy for several more months, but it sure gets old.  Here is some of what I read...

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Cancer-related fatigue is common in cancer patients. Fatigue is often confused with tiredness. Tiredness happens to everyone -- it's a feeling you expect after certain activities or at the end of the day. Usually, you know why you are tired and a good night's sleep solves the problem.

Fatigue is a daily lack of energy; an unusual or excessive whole-body tiredness not relieved by sleep. It can be acute (lasting a month or less) or chronic (lasting from one month to six months or longer). Fatigue can prevent you from functioning normally and impacts your quality of life.

The following cancer treatments are commonly associated with fatigue:

(I have to go through all three of these)

• Chemotherapy. Any chemotherapy drug may cause fatigue. Patients frequently experience fatigue after several weeks of chemotherapy, but this varies among patients. In some patients, fatigue lasts a few days, while others say the problem persists throughout the course of treatment and even after the treatment is complete.
• Radiation therapy. Radiation therapy can cause cumulative fatigue (fatigue that increases over time). This can occur regardless of the treatment site. Fatigue usually lasts from three to four weeks after treatment stops but can continue for up to two to three months. 
• Hormone therapy can cause fatigue by depriving the body of estrogen. It can last throughout the course of treatment or longer.

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I've been nervous every morning that I climb up on the table for my radiation.  Once I am up there and they have me situated, I shut my eyes tight and keep them closed.  I don't want to see anything and I would prefer not to hear anything.  There are sounds that the machine makes during the procedure.  With my eyes closed tight, I imagine that I am once again in Hawaii with John (and my sister Lisa and her husband Bob).  Any sounds the machine makes are just the sounds of the blender at the beach side resort, making us some amazing drinks.

Drivers License

Over the Christmas break, John and I went to have our drivers licenses renewed.  I knew that they were not going to let me wear a hat, and I still have not worn any of my wigs.  I joke that when I try on my wigs, it looks like a cat crawled up on my head and died.  So, I opted NOT to wear a wig.  I don't want to give cancer any of the power.  Almost as if to say, "Screw you cancer.  You will not control me, or slow me down!"  It was just my way of sticking it to my breast cancer.  (Sorry about the word "screw", it sounds a little inappropriate.  But, when talking about cancer, it is perfect).

When we got to the counter, I whipped off my hat and got ready for my bald-headed picture.  John and I were having a hard time not laughing.  The ladies face behind the counter was priceless.  It was almost as if her face was telling us her thoughts.  I'm sure she was thinking, "Alrighty then!"  She was supportive and kind as she looked at my picture and passed it across the counter to me.

You can no longer show any teeth in your picture.  I have a half smile, smirk on my face and I look exactly like my dad (except for the dumb look on my face).

We left the DMV giggling, with our temporary paper licenses in hand.  A couple of days ago, we received the actual licenses in the mail.  Once again, we had a good laugh.  I've already had to pass that little beauty over to cashiers in the stores.  I find it quite entertaining.

First day of radiation

I tossed and turned a lot last night.  I couldn't get the radiation treatments off my mind.  I was feeling worried and was fearing the unknown.

This morning my mom went with me to my first appointment for treatments.  I will be doing radiation 5 times a week for 6 1/2 weeks.  So, I will finish up with the treatments the end of February.

Today's appointment was just under an hour.  They had to do x-rays and make sure that they were not overlapping with the radiation, and also make sure they had it just in the exact spot they needed to be.  Once they had everything set up, the radiation only took a few minutes.  It was really quick and painless.  I've been told that over time, it will be more like a bad sunburn all across my chest.  I'm not really looking forward to that.

When they were all done with the radiation, the last thing they had to do was 5 small tattoos.  3 down my chest and 2 off to the sides.  This will help them to be in the exact same spot every day when they do the procedure.  So, now I can officially say that I have 5 tattoos.  Makes me sound like a mean biker chick.  Although, they are just small round dots, about the size of a freckle.

I am told that I will be VERY tired and out of energy while I am doing treatments.  I have been very tired and out of energy during chemo, so I don't really worry much about that.  It DOES get old feeling tired and exhausted all the time.  One of these days, I hope to be back to my old self again!

Chemotherapy, Christmas, and the New Year

Wow, it's been a month since my last post.  So much has happened in the month, and I wanted to blog about all of it sooner, but I've been quite sick and completely out of energy.  The kind of out of energy where you can't even hardly move.  I don't want this post to sound like a whiny baby, but this past month has kicked my butt.

I had my LAST round of chemotherapy on December 12th.  (I think by the time you hit your last round of chemo, your body has JUST HAD IT.  All the good has been killed off.)  I cannot even describe how happy I was to do my last round.  My sister Monica took me to chemo because John was working, and my mom was out of town.  John came for a quick visit during chemo and brought doughnuts for all the patients and nurses to celebrate my last chemo.  It was sure sweet of him.  I sure had some great nurses that took care of me during my different rounds of chemotherapy. 

As usual, I spent several days in bed after chemo.  It is not easy having chemo so close to Christmas and then just laying in bed too sick to move, knowing that you have shopping to do, and presents to wrap.  It is quite overwhelming.

Saturday, December 21st, I spent most of the day crying (I'm not even exaggerating) .  I just simply could not control my emotions.  I was so exhausted and still had much to do.  I'm quite certain a major contributing factor was the fact that I had started my "monthly visitor" on December 1st and had been having my period for 21 days straight.  Sorry too much information I know, but these are the facts.  Oh, and it still hasn't stopped...here we are on the 8th of January--STILL GOING.  One of the problems of chemo I guess.  Chemotherapy COMPLETELY wreaks havoc on your entire body.  On a side note, I've seen my OB doctor twice and probably will have to return again.  Luckily they don't see any signs of cancer in that department or any fibroid tumors.  I'm certain that it has contributed to my lack of energy.  This particular Saturday, we went to Redicare to see if they could give me fluids.  There were two male nurses that tried to start my I.V. and I'm quite certain they have not had much practice.  After 5 tries, they finally got the job done.  My arm had 2 huge bruises for quite awhile.

We were able to get everything done for Christmas.  Shocker.  There were times that I wasn't sure if it would happen.  I think the kids were all happy and we had a fun morning.  I was feeling relatively good that morning.  We didn't end up handing out ONE neighborhood gift or treat this year.  I wanted to, but just couldn't do it.  I just told myself that this year I got a free pass and not to take on one more thing. 

I managed to send out some Christmas cards, and I can't believe that even happened.  Last minute I ordered some cards on Walmart.com.  When I got the box of cards in the mail and opened it, I said out loud, "You've gotta be freakin' kidding me".  Somehow Walmart screwed up our cards by putting the wrong names on the card.  So, we were "The Simpsons" this year.  I just had to laugh about it.  I didn't have time to reorder, so out they went!  In my letter with the card I explained and said that we are learning that things don't always go just the way you want in life...and you just have to learn to laugh about it instead of getting mad.

We had fun celebrating the new year with several of my siblings and lots of grand kids.  It's a fun tradition that we do every year.  I hope that 2014 will be a much easier year for me and my family.  But, I don't think I'm going to hold my breath.  It is very likely that they are going to have me back in surgery for a hysterectomy.  I also have to do 6 weeks of radiation.  I'm just ready for a break.  Not quite sure how much more I can handle, but I don't think I really have a choice in the matter.  I just have to keep charging through.

BEST birthday surprise and other recent happenings...

I've been wanting to blog about all my recent happenings, but life just gets a little crazy sometimes. 

First of all I just have to say, one more week before my LAST round of chemo!  I can hardly wait to be done.  Although my anxiety level is starting to creep up.  Being in bed for over a week when I have SO MUCH to get done for Christmas is not ideal, and I hate being so sick.  I still have shopping to do and presents to wrap.  By the time I will start feeling up to anything, it will be just a couple of days before Christmas.  (It's really hard to do everything last minute when the kids are already on Christmas break.  Especially when you are trying to sneak around.  Nosy little buggers.)  Also, I really don't even feel like sitting at the computer after chemo because I am too sick and my hands hurt too bad, so online shopping won't work.  I worry about being out in large crowds.  When my blood levels are not great, I worry that I could catch something.  I guess I could always strap on a mask.  Yikes.  Should be interesting tackling the task.  It's all good.  I like to keep life interesting. 

My eyelashes and eyebrows are SPARSE to say the least.  My eyebrows are very thin and have "bald spots".  Nothing that I little makeup can't fix.  My eyelashes have several areas with nothing.  I hope they will grow in quickly.

The last 2 rounds of chemo I noticed that I was having killer shooting pains in my head.  Kind of like a MAJOR brain freeze.  I just thought that I would just kind of monitor it on my own for awhile.  It seemed like it was happening more and more frequently.  It was starting to really concern me, so I finally called the doctor.  When I talked to Denae (one of my favorite nurses) she seemed a little concerned.  (She didn't come out and say it, I could just hear it in her voice and questions.)  She told me she would talk to the doctor and call me back.  A short time later, she called and asked me if I could go to the hospital right then for a CT scan.  I was worried that the cancer had started to go other places.  Was it in my brain now?  I think when you worry about something your mind starts to play tricks on you, and you start to think the worst.  I had the scan done and they said they would call me later that evening.  After several hours of no news, I called the hospital.  The guy that did the scan told me that everything looked normal.  Phew!  What a relief!  I guess it is just another bonus of chemotherapy or maybe caused by all the steroids I have to take before chemo.

It looks like Christmas cards are not going out from our house this year.  I usually have pictures done and cards addressed before December and I have them sent out at the very beginning of December.  I guess when life gets crazy and you feel like road kill, you have to let a few things slide.  It really bugs, because I like to be on top of things, and I love Christmas cards!

My birthday was November 30th and I received the greatest surprise EVER!  Since we moved in to our new house, the front entryway living room has just been full of decorations that I haven't put up (all over the floor).  We also didn't have any furniture in there.  It just wasn't a priority.  For the last 6 months I either don't feel good, or don't have energy.  I figured that I would get to it one of these days.  All of my siblings talked and decided that instead of spending money exchanging Christmas presents for each other, that they would use that money to buy us furniture for that room.  My mom was also included in the gift.  She has been wanting to buy me a couch since I had to shave my head.  For a long time she would say to me, "I want to buy you a couch because you had to shave your head."  I would tell her no and just laugh.  She is a persistent little lady.  When Monica found out what my mom had been saying, she got the ball rolling on the gift idea.

I was gone when they all came over and did a room over-haul.  John was also not home (my brother Kevin came and got him because he was not aware of what was going on either).  All of my siblings and brother and sisters-in-law were at my house when I got home (except for Lisa and Curtis).  They all had their cell phones out recording John and I.  Of course I cried and added some ugly snorts.  I just couldn't believe that they had done this for us.

New couch, picture, tables, chairs, lamps, and decorations!  I love the room!  I have the best siblings, brothers-in law, sisters-in-law, and parents in the world!!  The support and help we receive from them is priceless.

Chemo Round 5 done...one more to go!

It's 4:00 in the morning and I am doing some sleep blogging.  I am so-so tired, but I just can't sleep.  My body feels tired, my eyes feel tired, but my mind is going 100 miles per hour. 

The reason being---every time I do a round of chemotherapy, I have to take a lot of steroids called Dexamethasone.  I take 5 pills the night before chemo and then set my alarm and take 5 more pills in the middle of the night.  When I get to the doctor's office, (before the chemo drip) they give me an I.V. drip of more steroids and Benadryl.  The dexamethasone is known for keeping people awake.  Last night I think I only got a couple of hours of sleep.  Tonight, I'm not sure that I will be getting any sleep.  I am also taking oxycodone and nausea pills---both of which usually knock me out and make me sleep for awhile.  That just goes to show the power the steroid drugs.  John just simply cannot understand not being able to fall asleep.  He can fall asleep immediately!  It's almost laughable how he can lay is head on the pillow and I can probably only count to 30 and he's out.  So unfair!



Heather and I at the appointment.

My sister Heather drove me to chemo this time.  It was so nice of her to leave her 3 kids at home and come spend several hours with me at the doctor's office.  I just don't want to go to chemo alone.  It gives me anxiety thinking about sitting there alone.  Not to mention that I am too loopy from all the Benadryl when I am done to be able to drive home.  It's nice to have someone to sit and visit with while I am getting the I.V.  It takes some of the scariness out of it, and makes the time go by much quicker.

I met with the doctor before starting the chemo.  He decided to put me back on the thrush medicine.  Good grief!  That stuff is the swish and swallow crap that gags me to the point that I'm going to pee my pants.  He thinks that I will get thrush again because my immune system gets knocked so low.  I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. 

We also talked about my feet.  I have been dealing with feet pain (on the bottom of my feet).  I had some pretty major neuropathy in my feet this last time.  They called me in some medicine for it.  I guess it takes quite a bit of time for the medicine to start working.  Oh and an added bonus, it causes weight gain.  I think everything I take causes weight gain.  It's so wonderful (dripping with sarcasm)!  I was talking to Candice (one of my nurses) about the weight gain today.  I told her that if I'm going to be bald, I may as well be fat.  She just laughed.  The nurses are so awesome there! 

So, when the doctor and I were discussing the neuropathy he said that I had two options.  #1--I could push chemo back a week to give it more time to heal, or #2 he could slightly lesson the dose of chemo and proceed with it that day.  I told him I wanted to do the chemo.  He said, "I knew you would pick that!"  The scary thing about the neuropathy is that sometimes it is permanent damage and that would be awful!  I really wanted to stay on schedule so I can be feeling semi-decent for Thanksgiving and be able to do my last round of chemo on December 12th, which would give me a lot of time to heel for Christmas.

Today when I was getting my chemo, I sat next to a lady that I know a little.  She has 9 kids, is 49 years old, and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  About a month ago she had two different surgeries, and was there for her very first round of chemo.  I could see on her face that she was so overwhelmed, scared, and unsure.  She broke down and cried a time or two.  I could hear the nurse giving her a lot of instructions and information.  It took me back to my first round of chemo and I just felt so bad for her.  I tried to reassure her and give her a little advice.  Cancer is just such a hard thing to have to go through.  But, I told her that you just HAVE to stay positive as much as you can.  You have a choice to be positive or negative, but either way, it will not change the fact that you have cancer.  Having said that, it is impossible to be positive 100% of the time.  I definitely have my moments when I am in the mood to gripe and complain.  I would not be human if I didn't.

My eyebrows have started to burn again, and I'm sure more of them are going to start falling out.  It has been nice that I still have most of my eyelashes and eyebrows.  I'm crossing my fingers that they don't all fall out.  My friend went through chemo and lost all of her eyebrows and lashes on the very last round of her chemo!  Oh gosh, that stinks!

Well, it's 5:00am, I guess I'm going to go back to bed.  I'm sure I will doze off just in time for my alarm to go off to get the kids up for school!  Yes!

Some recent pictures...
The top picture was taken after church.  I'm trying to relax with some lovin' from Riley.

 Face drawn on the back of my head...artwork by Riley.

Chemo Round 4

Chemo Round 4 was not a lot different than the other previous rounds, only I think I get a little sicker each time--and am a little more out of energy.  I think it's because each time I go in for chemo, my body is not yet fully recovered from the treatment before.  I can't even describe how out of energy I am.  The smallest tasks completely take my breath away.  It is so annoying to break a sweat and be panting because you have vacuumed your living room floor.  I crave to be well and healthy again.

I have been dealing with thrush since round 3 and have been taking medicine 4 times a day for it.  Nasty, nasty swish and swallow crap that I had to do 4 times a day.  The medicine left a bad taste in my mouth that altered the taste of food.  The stubborn thrush was just NOT going away.  It was all in my mouth and down my throat.  I go in weekly for lab work, and this last time I showed the doctor my mouth.  She decided to kick the thrush in the butt with an I.V. of medicine.  Thursday and Friday I had a 2 hour I.V. drip of medicine for the thrush and am also taking pills.  It looks like it is finally going away.  Take THAT thrush!

Also, while meeting with the doctor, I showed her my toenail.  Awhile back when I was running some marathon relays with friends I bruised my toenail.  No big deal right.  Well chemo is hard on nails.  The entire nail was peeling off.  It was unattached at the base and still attached at the top. (See picture at the right)  It was completely gross.  Riley was SOOO fascinated by it, but totally grossed out.  One night after scripture study, she took probably 20 picture of my toe.  She had all kinds of comments about it too.  When I showed my toe to the doctor, she said, "You could probably just pull that nail off", to which I replied, "Or YOU could".  The doc was able to peel that baby off, and yes it hurt.  But, I would be too big of a baby to rip my own nail off.  Especially since it was still quite attached. 

The doctor asked me if I wanted to keep the nail as a souvenir.  OF COURSE I DID!  I had just the person to give it to!  I put that baby in an envelope and wrote Riley's name on it.  It was a little toenail mail!  When she got home from school, I told her that something came in the mail for her.  I tried to film her opening it and she caught on that something nasty was in the envelope, but she didn't know what.  She flung it out on the floor, and her face was priceless when she realized what it was.  Oh Riley girl, I love you and your sense of humor!

Countdown to Chemo

I always start to feel a twinge of panic as it grows closer to the next round of chemo.  I feel like I need to get all the laundry done, the house cleaned, and grocery shopping done.  The only problem is, I am completely out of energy.  Sometimes I feel like my arms are painted on.  I want to move them, but I am just too tired.  My arms are just decorations hanging from my shoulders.

I almost feel like I have a "nesting" instinct (like you feel when you are about to have a baby).  I know that I will be spending the next 10 days or more in my pajamas, pumped full of medicine.  Speaking of medicine, after having 3 rounds of chemo, I am starting to know what days I will need more medicine and what days I am starting to feel a little better.  I have been taking Oxycodone to help with the achy pain.  Sometimes I take half of the pill and other times the whole pill.  The last round of chemo I was taking the whole pill for about 2 days.  I remember laying in bed feeling extremely "happy".  I remember saying to myself, "I am so happy!"  I just felt like I was on cloud 9 and I didn't have a care in the world.  It was ALL medicine.  I was high as a kite.  Don't get me wrong it was nice to feel happy during such a down time, but that is a little scary.  My mom is worried that I am going to get hooked on my medicine.  I tell her not to worry because I can't stand the way it makes me feel (except for the one day that I was feeling very happy--tee hee).

Thursday is my 4th round of chemo.  I will officially be on the downward slope to finishing.  Sometimes I get nervous even saying that---don't want to jinx myself.  A friend of mine thought she was done with chemo (she has had cancer reoccur several times), and her recent scan showed more signs of cancer.  She is right back at it.  I'm not even sure how many rounds of chemo she has done.  What a brave fighter!  After my 6th round, I will jump right into radiation.  6 long weeks of driving across town in the snow and on slick roads.  I'm already hating it and it hasn't even started.  After radiation I take a pill for 10 years.

My left armpit has been completely numb for the last 3 1/2 months since the surgery (when they removed 18 lymph nodes).  It just now feels like it is starting to "wake up" a little bit.  It is very tender to the touch.  I also haven't been able to completely straighten my left arm out all the way without feeling pain.  I don't know if it is scar tissue, or a tendon pulling.  Either way, I need to start working on it.  I had a friend (who is an occupational therapist) show me things to do to work on it.

We recently had a Halloween party at my mom's house.  I wasn't feeling very great, but went anyway.  All the adults and kids dressed up for the party.  I didn't have a lot of energy to put into a costume.  I decided to go dressed as my dad.  My dad was a handsome man, and I just didn't quite pull it off.  I found his mission badge and slapped on some church clothes.  It's painful to look at the pictures from the party, but I am determined to keep some kind of a sense of humor through this piece of crap cancer.

I was recently reading through a letter my dad sent his kids before he died.  In it he said,

 "As I have pondered the atonement, I have learned that the Savior suffered emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I had never thought much about the emotional side till I went through the procedure and found that not only was my hair lost, my weight drastically changed, but my identity was not the same.  I had people pass me in stores that didn't recognize me.  This caused me to go through periods of emotional struggles and I pondered the Savior's life and those closest to Him rejecting Him and turning from Him." 

He then went on to talk more in depth about the atonement.  I am learning about and appreciating the atonement in a totally different way then I ever have before.

I too have not been recognized by many people.  People pass me by in the store all the time and don't even recognize me.  I recently saw a lady that I lived by for 20 years.  I went up to her and said hello and gave her a hug.  She didn't have a clue who I was...her face gave it all away.  I have kind of quit saying hello to people when I see them, unless they say hello first, and know who I am.  It's a little discouraging. 

Just SOME of the darling grandkids---(there are 62 total with 2 on the way!)

All my sisters except Lisa.  They are the greatest!

Keep Buggering On

Keep Buggering On   --Winston Churchill

 

I'm sorry.  I'm blogging about breast cancer again.  It's my new life.  I'm sorry if you are tired of reading about it, (that is, if anyone out there even reads this blog).  I don't blog about it to be a "Debbie Downer".  It is a great journaling outlet for me, and some day my kids may care about what I record in my journal.  It also helps me keep everything straight.  My new chemo brain doesn't always remember things.  I hope my brain will be back to normal after chemo.  Because I do did have a great memory.  Also, a lot of times I can't quite say what I am trying to say.  It's like I know what I want to say, I just can't get it to come out.  Dummer....er, I mean Bummer.

 

I had my 3rd round of chemo on October 10th.  It was like a nice round house kick to the face.  It put me out of commission for a good 10 days this time.  I spent the majority of those 10-bed-sore-days in bed.  Good grief!  There are usually lots of tears shed during those days.  This time it was no different. 

 

My mom took me to chemo this round.  It's nice to have her there when John can't be there.  John was out of town for a few days, starting the day before chemo.  Luckily, he was only gone a few days and my mom took good care of me.  The day of chemo, my mom took me to lunch.  We went to Sizzler (one of her favorite places).  We got up to the counter and the young kid took my mom's order.  He then looked at me and said, "What can I get for you SIR?"  Hello punch in the face.  My mom looked at him and said, "She is a ma'am not a sir."  I then whipped off my hat and said, "I don't have any hair."  Not sure why I did that.  I think it was my polite way of flipping him the bird.  I knew it would happen one of these days, just wasn't quite ready for it.  It has added to my "I feel so ugly lately" phase.  It is hard to feel pretty and feminine when you are bald, chubby, and being pumped full of crap.  I feel like my looks have changed a lot and it is not a fun feeling.  I don't like feeling self conscious.  I just have to say to myself, "Well, it is what it is, so get over it Nancy."  (Nancy is what Frank Barone would call Raymond on "Everybody Loves Raymond" when he was acting like a baby.) 

I was recently asked by a sweet friend---What has been the worst thing I have had to go through or deal with, with the cancer?  There is absolutely NO WAY to pick one.  It all just plain sucks.  I told her that I could start at the top of my head and go to the tips of my toes with something wrong.  Let me give a few examples-- No hair (just lovely), my mind doesn't always think clearly, sometimes my vision is blurry, ear infections, loss of nose hairs, currently losing eyebrows and eyelashes, mouth sores, thrush, sore throat, my boobs still look a little mangled with scars, loss of appetite, nausea, left armpit still completely numb, leg soreness like you would not believe, achy body, and neuropathy in fingers and feet.  To top it all off, I have regular sleepless nights, and absolutely NO energy. I go from chair to chair after doing small tasks.  Somebody call the waaaambulance!  But seriously, I could go on and on.  I DO have on my XL-big-girl-panties and I have them pulled up, and am dealing with all of this.  I just wish I had a guarantee that this would all be a memory one day.  I hope that there will not be any of these symptoms that decide to set up residency in it's double wide trailer.  I simply refuse to let that happen.

 

Last Friday, I received a text from friend offering me 2 tickets to a concert for that night.  I was excited to go, as I had not been out of the house for over a week and had been rather weepy that day.  Cabin fever and not feeling well were over taking me.  I called my sister Pauline and we went to the concert meeting some awesome friends, Sara and Jill, there.  Thank you for saving me Sara!  It was just what the doctor ordered!  We listened to Scott Shepard and Mindy Gledhill and they were accompanied with an orchestra.  It was so good and so fun.  It just so happened to be a breast cancer awareness night.  My friend Amy, who also has breast cancer, spoke briefly about breast cancer and importance of screenings.  During the concert, they called Amy and I up on the stage and gave us each a bouquet of roses.  Amy told me just before the concert that they were going to have us come up.  It was a sweet surprise and a fun night!