Monday, September 16, 2013

Courage


Thursday, September 12th, I had an appointment with a hairdresser to get help with my wig.  When she had me sit in the chair and put the wig on, I just started to cry.  I had times I could keep it together in the chair, and then I would start tearing up again.  Every time she would run her brush through my real hair, large amounts of hair would come out.  I told her I needed to shave it, and she agreed.  But, my kids wanted to be the ones to shave it.

She trimmed the wig and thinned it out, making it look less like a wig, and more like real hair (if a wig can look like real hair).  My real hair kept getting in the way and making the wig slide around.  Vicki ended up cutting parts of my real hair to get it out of the way.  Vicki and her daughter Hallie were so good to console me, and they tried to help me feel better.

I left the shop with the wig on and wore it home, crying the whole way.  I felt like every car that pulled up next to me, could see that I was wearing a wig. 

When I got home, I decided it was time RIGHT THEN to shave my head.  Each one of my kids and John took a couple of swipes with the clippers through my hair.  We started with a large attachment and finished with a small one.  When they were all done, I had a very short butch hair cut.  I had envisioned the time of shaving my head.  I thought that we would try shaving some crazy styles and getting a laugh out of it.  But, it was very much the opposite.  The room was quiet except for my silent sobs.  It was so much harder than I thought it would be.

It look me a LONG time to be able to look in the mirror at myself.  It was pretty painful to look in the mirror the first time.  The first thing I thought of when I saw my reflection was Curly off of the 3 Stooges.  Good HECK! 

Friday, I almost felt like I was in mourning.  I spent a lot of time lying on the couch with tears in my eyes.  It is hard to come to grips with all your hair being shaved off.  I also had a major headache and didn't feel all that great.

My head has still been feeling sore and tender (from the chemo not the haircut).  I haven't even worn the wig yet.  Yesterday I wore a hat to church.  I think once my hair all falls out and my head feels a little less tender, I can wear the wig.

I don't think it will be long before all my hair is gone.  I keep finding lots of little hairs in my hats, and every time I touch my head.  My friend's mom has cancer and she was happy when her hair started falling out, because she knew the chemo was working.  I think that is a good way to look at it.  I am happy that the chemo is working and hopefully doing it's job.  I'm glad that there is such a thing as chemotherapy.  It's not fun, but necessary.  I can do this.

2 comments:

Par 5 said...

Well, I'm all teary....mostly because I feel really guilty that I complain a lot about my hair when it doesn't curl right, or that I don't have any talent to do it any other way than just up in a pony tail...but you're right. You can do this!

Sarah Enz said...

I admire your courage in the face of adversity. How wonderful your family is there to support you in every step of this journey. I think of you every day. You continue to be in my prayers. YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!